Nobody is ever prepared for the constant battle they face with infertility.
When I was younger, I didn’t think I’d be where I am today: 27, happily married, and struggling with infertility. By now, I thought I’d have at least one or two beautiful bundles of joyful chaos. But the Universe decided I wouldn’t be able to conceive without the help of doctors and a very hefty amount of money. I also have PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome) so I knew ahead of time that I’d have trouble. I just never thought it would cause this much trouble or take this long.
And that makes me feel broken, like I’m not a real woman because I can’t even do what I was born to do.
Don’t even get me started on how it affects my mental health. I’ve been down in a deep, dark hole so many times before because of my struggle. To put it bluntly, it’s a bitch and there are so many moments when I get really low and I want to cut or run to a very large bottle of alcohol. The voices in my head can be so cruel and unfair. But I know that everything will be okay in the end and it’s that small glimmer of hope that helps keep me safe.
I’ve wanted to be a mother my whole life. I’m a natural caregiver and taking care of those I love has always been important to me. All of my friends even refer to me as the mom of any group I’m part of because it’s just what I do.
I know what you’re going to say.
“You still have time!”
“Have you thought about adoption?”
“What about a surrogate?”
“You aren’t ready/can’t afford/you need a job first.”
We understand that we still have time and that there are other options. Trust me, I totally get that. I have two very wonderful women in my life that have offered to be my surrogate in the event we decide to go that route in a few years. And of course I’m all for adoption as well.
The thought of not being able to conceive on our own or carry my own child, is the most soul crushing feeling in the world.
Not just that but have you seen how much it costs to adopt a child or get help conceiving from doctors???? In regards to those options, no we can’t afford a child. As much as we want a child, adoption and fertility treatments aren’t an option currently. And probably won’t be for quite some time in the future. But again, I’m still open to both in the distant future.
Struggling with infertility isn’t something that most couples talk about publicly even though there are more than enough going through it. After almost 5 years with Evan, I’m just tired of saying “Hopefully soon!” to family members that ask when we’re going to start our family. Or trying to explain frequently to my siblings and close friends that it just might not happen naturally or at all.
I’m always torn between trying, planning the beginning stages of surrogacy, and just saying “fuck it” and being a full time auntie for the rest of my life. Being an auntie is one of my top 3 favorite things in the world. It actually scares me that if I ever have children, I don’t know if I’d love them the same as my nieces and nephews LOL!
For now we’re just going with the flow, not really trying but not really not trying.
Regardless of the future, I hope you know you’re not alone in this struggle and it’s okay to talk about it!
Wishing you a happy day you beautiful moonbeam,